Time tends to extend in the dark. The waiting seems forever and the mind wondering in thousands of thoughts made the night seem endless…

The above is the feeling left to me from past memories when I would wait for my ex-girlfriend. We would live together for a while, she had a new job with a catering company that would organize wedding ceremonies. Sometimes the wedding celebration would last until late at night and sometimes after her work was over, she would go out for a drink with her colleagues.

“Don’t wait for me, go sleep because you have to go to the office in the morning” she would advice, how convenient… but how could I? My mind was a negative thought generator working in full power. I would think that maybe somebody would flirt with her, and if she was tired and maybe have had a drink or two, she would be vulnerable. And I wasn’t there to protect her… As if she was a kid and needed protection. Little I knew…

Jealousy was just a projection of my insecurities

When she would come back, she was sweet and lovely to me. Showing in every way how much she missed me. Did this make the feeling go away? Not at all! The feeling of jealousy had poisoned my mind and my body. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t think clearly and everything in my life was about her being unfaithful. Trying to find proof of her lies, trying to confirm my beliefs trying to find an excuse to my mind and justify the madness.

And one night it happened

I was waiting in the bedroom, it was dark, I was waiting for her and I couldn’t handle it anymore. The feeling was eating me inside. So I let go. I said to myself “fuck it! you don’t deserve to feel like shit. If you think she’s cheating on you, then let her go…”. But I couldn’t! I was so attached to this girl, I felt I should do everything I could to keep her. To keep her?? What? Wait, what do I mean “to keep her”? My mind was going crazy. How can I “keep” a person? She wasn’t a “thing” that I could “keep”, she was a person that was with me because we were connected through emotions. Emotions of love, joy, happiness and all the moments we had shared. I wasn’t keeping her, she was with me because all these beautiful things we had.

So I stopped for a moment and thought “she was making me a favor to be with me, while I’m projecting all my insecurities upon her”, there’s no faster way to destroy a relationship. But hold on a minute, if she was making me a favor, then I was making her a favor too for being with her, right? And then I got it…

Nobody owns anybody

Jealousy and insecurities and neediness create a feeling of possessiveness and we confirm these beliefs with our super smart mind. Reality is that we don’t own anyone, in any relationship be it a love romantic relationship, a friendship or relatives. We don’t own them. They are with us as friends, lovers, even brothers, and sisters because they want to, because they feel connected because they feel love, they feel joy and happiness close to us.

This was a big AHA moment for me, so at that exact moment, I gave up. I let go of the possessiveness feeling and jealousy dissolved into nothingness, just from where it came from. After that, I started to see it everywhere, people around me would project their insecurities into possessiveness. I once noticed my mother saying “I want the best for you son” so I said “thanks mom, but what you want for me is none of my business, you can want anything for yourself but please don’t want anything for me”. She was kinda shocked but she is used to hearing “weird” talks from me so…

Here’s how I understand love

First of all, love is not meant to be understood. Love is meant to be felt. I have my point of view for love and it may be different from what you’ve heard. Or maybe, everyone has a different point of view…

Is it love or ownership?
I kept hearing this meaning between words. Loving someone doesn’t make that person belong to you. Love happens inside us, but our selfishness extends it outside making us believe that because of our love, we own the person we love.

When we love someone we really shouldn’t have any demands for the love we feel. This is something simple but not very easy. We are weak and our emotions take over, so we try to control them, which… if you think you can do easily, then good luck to you!

There is another way
Instead of trying to control emotions, just accept them. Accept your emotions exactly as they are. Emotions. And emotions are meant to be felt, not understood neither control. So love becomes an emotion that fulfills you without requiring anything in return. We love someone, just because he or she means something to us. Not because we want something in return. That return being mostly on an emotion level (sometimes in physical level too).

We don’t own anyone
At least on an emotional level, we cannot and shouldn’t consider owning anyone. So why we act as if we do? That is very funny… and almost always, very painful.

Did my ex cheat on me?

I don’t know. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t. The real question for me is: Do I really care? And the answer is “no”. Because I was thankful for the moments we shared, I was happy to feel the love and happiness while we were physically together. When we were not together, nothing really mattered to me anymore. I could feel her emotions were real when we were together if she was faking it, it didn’t make any difference to me because I wasn’t and I had maximized the value of the moments we were together.

Now that we’re not together anymore, what is left from that relationship to me, is only the good memories. And of course, one of the biggest realizations on an emotional level.